Am I part of the problem?

The question none of us want to ask.

A couple months ago, my coworkers and I were untangling a tricky issue. The kind that doesn’t show up overnight or have a single source. It was a cultural thing - slow-growing, quietly reinforced over time - and we all knew that fixing it would require more than a new process or a strongly worded email. It would require people. Us.

After that conversation, I got a text from one of my teammates with a startlingly simple question:

“Be honest. Am I part of the problem?”

Whew.

What an incredibly powerful question. And also, let’s be real, an incredibly rare one - because asking it requires both bravery and humility. The kind of humility that risks hearing an answer you might not love.

She also knew what she was doing. Asking an Enneagram 8 a question like that means you are asking for the hard truth, not a compliment sandwich. And I answered her honestly. But her question - the question - has been rattling around in my brain ever since.

Am I part of the problem?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: in almost every situation worth asking that question about, the answer is probably yes. At least on some level. Because problems are rarely 100% one person’s fault. Even if we didn’t start it, even if we were wronged, even if someone else clearly bears more responsibility, there are often ways our action, or inaction, has contributed. Sometimes doing nothing is a very active choice.

The good news? If you’re willing to ask yourself that question, you’re already miles ahead of the people who never will. The ones who are too afraid of the answer, or who already know it and don’t want to face it. Owning our part would require listening to another perspective, stepping down off the soapbox or out of the pulpit, valuing peace and truth more than being right or winning an imaginary argument no one else signed up for.

But let’s not spend our energy on them.

Let’s talk about us, and why this simple, uncomfortable, clarifying question deserves a regular spot in our mental playlist.

I’m trying to ask it more often in places like social media, which is, by all accounts, a full-blown dumpster fire.
Am I part of the problem?
If I leave a snarky comment, share unverified “news,” or toss out a baiting question just to watch things burn… then yes. Yes, I am.

My marriage - like every marriage - could always be stronger.
Am I part of the problem?
I don’t even need to elaborate. The answer is yes.

Parenting? Oh, absolutely.
Am I part of the problem?
Busy schedules. Testy teenagers. The emotional baggage I carry into conversations whether I mean to or not. Yes.

My attitude at work. My physical health. The strength of my friendships. The state of my house.
Am I part of the problem?
It’s so tempting to blame circumstances, other people, or sheer exhaustion. But if I’m honest, if I’m humble, there’s usually at least something I need to own.

This question isn’t about shame. It’s about agency. Because once I can admit my part, I can also choose my part going forward. I can apologize. I can change a habit. I can take a stand instead of standing still.

As Taylor Swift so helpfully put it: “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.”

And oddly enough, that admission isn’t the end of the story. It’s usually the beginning of a better one.